I have several friends with kids, so I’ve visited lots of new parents and their brand new cuddly bundles of cuteness, and tried to do the best I could to be considerate of them. But now that I’ve gone through the experience myself, I’m pretty sure I wasn’t ever an ideal guest. In fact, I know I was a jerk a few times - unintentionally, of course. So here’s my advice to everyone else, so we can all be better friends to the new parents in our lives:
- Visit the parents and baby, but wait at least a week or two (unless you are family), even if they say to just come over whenever. Give the family a little time to settle in and adjust. They don’t know what they are doing yet, and they’d prefer few people see these early days of terror.
- Come over at 3 am. I know the visiting hours say “dinnertime” or whatever, so you can visit at normal hours, but you know when Mom could really use a helping hand? When the baby is up at 3 am, crying. Mom really needs to pee and hasn't had dinner yet probably, and would really like to brush her teeth and change her clothes. She’d wake up Dad but he has to work in the morning, and it just wouldn't be fair to him. So this is when she could use your help most. I’m only half joking here - you night owls out there, take note!
- Bring those nutritious dinners and frozen casseroles over, but bring a tray of muffins, or croissants, or donuts. Ready-to-eat food that can be grabbed with one hand at those 3 am moments when no one is around to help. Bake some of those granola protein lactation cookies if you’re a baker. Throw lots of chocolate chips in there, because Mama needs a treat.
- Bring over dinner, but don’t plan on eating with the family. It might happen, it might not. Let Mom and Dad’s behavior guide you. Are they pulling out plates and setting a place for you, or is the food still in a bag on the counter while they stand near the door with polite frozen smiles? Feel the room.
- Do not ask what you can do to help out - just find something and do it. If you ask what you can do, Mom’s going to tell you to do nothing because moms are superheroes and can do it all themselves. Just find something, anything to do, like take out the trash or do dishes or fold laundry or wipe down the bathroom, and then just sit there and take it while Mom tries to protest. She will thank you for it later when she’s a normal person.
- Don’t ask what you should bring for food. Ask if there are any allergies to be aware of, and then bring whatever. Make it healthy and filling. Or ask what they don’t want/what they are sick of. They don’t know what they want to eat, they only know that they are hungry. They will eat whatever you bring.
- Don’t be surprised or shocked if Mom whips out a boob to feed the kid or starts breast pumping in front of you and your boyfriend. Try not to stare or make her feel uncomfortable. It’s just that she’s had half a dozen people in her hoo-ha lately, so the boobs are small potatoes now in the modesty department. The boobs keep a tighter schedule than the baby does sometimes, so she’s gotta do what she’s gotta do. Oh, and if you see a giant nipple that freaks you out, the answer is yes, it will shrink back down, so now you don’t have to ask about it.
- Don’t be surprised or shocked if Mom starts crying. She’s a pretty volatile cocktail of hormones and sleep deprivation, no matter how hard she’s trying to hold it together. She sometimes really can’t help it, and she’ll be pretty embarrassed to break down in front of you. Pretend you don’t see and keep acting normal. Trying to soothe her or make her feel better won’t work, these aren't normal tears. Drawing any attention to her will just make it worse.
- If you come within the first month of a new baby, keep conversation light and easy. Even if Mom seems like her normal self, even if she seems rested and refreshed and totally together and her hair is immaculate, she’s most likely still sleep deprived but is trying to pass herself off as totally okay. But she is not going to be a master conversationalist, and she’ll probably forget a lot of what you discuss. So if there’s anything important or that you wanted a response on, text it to her for reminder. And don’t be offended if in a few weeks she asks you things you've already discussed. Just chat away at her and make her feel loved and normal.
- If they have pets, give a lot of attention to them. Pet them, brush them, cuddle them, give them a treat. They are most likely just fine and being well taken care of, but they probably are not getting the same level of attention they used to, especially in those early days when the household is still adjusting, and they just might be acting like dicks who are underfoot all the time, trying to trip you in a dark hallway as you walk with a sleeping baby in your arms. Mom and Dad still love their furry babies. They just need a little pet backup right now.
- This is probably the most important one: I’m really sorry, but if you show up for a visit, and the baby is asleep, leave quickly and reschedule. I know this seems cruel, it’s not your fault the kid is asleep, you came at the pre-approved appointment time! But this is the ONLY time Mom and Dad have to themselves, and your visit is cutting into their sleep/shower/house-cleaning/eating time, and if they miss this window, it could be another day before it comes around again. If you stay and chat until the kid wakes up again, Mom may seem like she’s happy to see you, but a part of her is crying inside. She’s really sorry, she loves you, but she just wants you to go
- Are you staying for a longer visit? Then do Mom a favor and ask her to tell you her birth story, even if you really don’t care. Because Moms LOVE telling their birth stories. In ridiculous detail. So even if the word “cervix” makes you cringe, just zone out and nod along as Mom tells you her tale. She might even know that you are totally bored and uninterested, but she won’t care that you don’t need an hour by hour play of dilation. It’s NOT that she thinks that this was her miracle moment of triumphant womanhood - your friend most likely hasn't turned into a total douche like that. It’s just that the weirdest thing ever just happened to her, and she’s still replaying it in her head over and over again, trying to wrap her head around it, and she needs to talk to her friend about it. She just had this wacky day at the hospital and now there’s suddenly a baby - a freaking BABY!! She’s a little freaked out...no, she’s a LOT freaked out. So just feed her muffins, fold the laundry, and listen. She’ll be back to normal pretty soon.
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