Advice for Visiting New Parents

I have several friends with kids, so I’ve visited lots of new parents and their brand new cuddly bundles of cuteness, and tried to do the best I could to be considerate of them.  But now that I’ve gone through the experience myself, I’m pretty sure I wasn’t ever an ideal guest.  In fact, I know I was a jerk a few times - unintentionally, of course.  So here’s my advice to everyone else, so we can all be better friends to the new parents in our lives:   

- Visit the parents and baby, but wait at least a week or two (unless you are family), even if they say to just come over whenever.  Give the family a little time to settle in and adjust.  They don’t know what they are doing yet, and they’d prefer few people see these early days of terror.  

- Come over at 3 am.   I know the visiting hours say “dinnertime” or whatever, so you can visit at normal hours, but you know when Mom could really use a helping hand?  When the baby is up at 3 am, crying.  Mom really needs to pee and hasn't had dinner yet probably, and would really like to brush her teeth and change her clothes.  She’d wake up Dad but he has to work in the morning, and it just wouldn't be fair to him.  So this is when she could use your help most.  I’m only half joking here - you night owls out there, take note!  

- Bring those nutritious dinners and frozen casseroles over, but bring a tray of muffins, or croissants, or donuts.  Ready-to-eat food that can be grabbed with one hand at those 3 am moments when no one is around to help.  Bake some of those granola protein lactation cookies if you’re a baker.  Throw lots of chocolate chips in there, because Mama needs a treat.   

- Bring over dinner, but don’t plan on eating with the family.  It might happen, it might not.  Let Mom and Dad’s behavior guide you.  Are they pulling out plates and setting a place for you, or is the food still in a bag on the counter while they stand near the door with polite frozen smiles?  Feel the room.  

- Do not ask what you can do to help out - just find something and do it.  If you ask what you can do, Mom’s going to tell you to do nothing because moms are superheroes and can do it all themselves.  Just find something, anything to do, like take out the trash or do dishes or fold laundry or wipe down the bathroom, and then just sit there and take it while Mom tries to protest.  She will thank you for it later when she’s a normal person.

- Don’t ask what you should bring for food.  Ask if there are any allergies to be aware of, and then bring whatever.  Make it healthy and filling.  Or ask what they don’t want/what they are sick of.   They don’t know what they want to eat, they only know that they are hungry. They will eat whatever you bring.   

- Don’t be surprised or shocked if Mom whips out a boob to feed the kid or starts breast pumping in front of you and your boyfriend. Try not to stare or make her feel uncomfortable.  It’s just that she’s had half a dozen people in her hoo-ha lately, so the boobs are small potatoes now in the modesty department.  The boobs keep a tighter schedule than the baby does sometimes, so she’s gotta do what she’s gotta do.  Oh, and if you see a giant nipple that freaks you out, the answer is yes, it will shrink back down, so now you don’t have to ask about it.    

- Don’t be surprised or shocked if Mom starts crying.  She’s a pretty volatile cocktail of hormones and sleep deprivation, no matter how hard she’s trying to hold it together.  She sometimes really can’t help it, and she’ll be pretty embarrassed to break down in front of you.  Pretend you don’t see and keep acting normal.  Trying to soothe her or make her feel better won’t work, these aren't normal tears.  Drawing any attention to her will just make it worse.   

- If you come within the first month of a new baby, keep conversation light and easy.  Even if Mom seems like her normal self, even if she seems rested and refreshed and totally together and her hair is immaculate, she’s most likely still sleep deprived but is trying to pass herself off as totally okay.  But she is not going to be a master conversationalist, and she’ll probably forget a lot of what you discuss.  So if there’s anything important or that you wanted a response on, text it to her for reminder.  And don’t be offended if in a few weeks she asks you things you've already discussed.  Just chat away at her and make her feel loved and normal.  

- If they have pets, give a lot of attention to them.  Pet them, brush them, cuddle them, give them a treat.  They are most likely just fine and being well taken care of, but they probably are not getting the same level of attention they used to, especially in those early days when the household is still adjusting, and they just might be acting like dicks who are underfoot all the time, trying to trip you in a dark hallway as you walk with a sleeping baby in your arms.  Mom and Dad still love their furry babies.  They just need a little pet backup right now.

- This is probably the most important one: I’m really sorry, but if you show up for a visit, and the baby is asleep, leave quickly and reschedule.  I know this seems cruel, it’s not your fault the kid is asleep, you came at the pre-approved appointment time!  But this is the ONLY time Mom and Dad have to themselves, and your visit is cutting into their sleep/shower/house-cleaning/eating time, and if they miss this window, it could be another day before it comes around again.   If you stay and chat until the kid wakes up again, Mom may seem like she’s happy to see you, but a part of her is crying inside.  She’s really sorry, she loves you, but she just wants you to go

- Are you staying for a longer visit?  Then do Mom a favor and ask her to tell you her birth story, even if you really don’t care.  Because Moms LOVE telling their birth stories.  In ridiculous detail.  So even if the word “cervix” makes you cringe, just zone out and nod along as Mom tells you her tale.  She might even know that you are totally bored and uninterested, but she won’t care that you don’t need an hour by hour play of dilation.  It’s NOT that she thinks that this was her miracle moment of triumphant womanhood - your friend most likely hasn't turned into a total douche like that.  It’s just that the weirdest thing ever just happened to her, and she’s still replaying it in her head over and over again, trying to wrap her head around it, and she needs to talk to her friend about it.  She just had this wacky day at the hospital and now there’s suddenly a baby - a freaking BABY!!   She’s a little freaked out...no, she’s a LOT freaked out.  So just feed her muffins, fold the laundry, and listen.  She’ll be back to normal pretty soon.  

Maybe I should just stop talking to everyone...

So, I've done something that I am not proud of, and for the life of me, I can't figure out why I did it.

Let me start by saying this: I had this issue throughout my pregnancy, and it bugged the crap out of me.  I can sum it up with "strangers talking to me about my pregnancy."  
There's a thing that happens when you are pregnant, where you are incubating this tiny human, and everyone in the world feels the need to comment on it.  People stop seeing YOU, they just see The Belly.  I don't know why this is.  It's bad enough when it comes from friends, family, and co-workers, but these are people you speak and deal with on a regular basis; you expect their questions and comments and complete disregard for the person you used to be, so you put up with it.  But why the strangers?!   I couldn't stand that every single random person I crossed paths with just felt the need to say something about it.  Why did these strangers think they could talk to me?!?!  

 Some kept it simple and just exclaimed "oh, you're pregnant!"   Ummm, yeah.  Holy crap, you're right!  No way!  
Most had the standard script of questions you were forced to answer over and over again: "Boy or Girl?  How far along are you?   Is this your first?"   
And then there were the over-sharers, like the dude at the tile store who, upon seeing my pregnant belly, excitedly told me that his also-pregnant daughter had just lost her mucous plug the day before!  Oh, so gross.  How did this man think that I wanted to discuss mucus plugs with him?  Or anyone ever?  How are you even supposed to react to that?  
The answer is: with a polite smile.  
I did soooo much polite smiling to strangers, when I really just wanted to tell them to f**k off and mind their own business.  It was a constant source of annoyance to me, and made me feel invisible as a whole person – I was now only the baby.  I wanted a preggers shirt that said "Don't talk to me about my baby."  

Just leave me alone altogether, okay?

Cut to now: my kiddo is 4 months old, and no one has asked me about my stomach in a while, woo-hoo!   I've stopped for a breakfast taco at our neighborhood taco shack on my way to work.  Today, I notice that our usual cashier is pregnant.  She always wears a big apron, so it's taken a while to notice, but suddenly, she is very visibly pregnant.  I actually think, "oh, she's pregnant!"   
And then, to my utter horror, I hear myself say to her "Boy or girl?"
The voice inside my head starts yelling at me: Seriously?!?!?!?!  What the hell, dude?  You know how annoying that crap is, why would you do that?"
Taco girl smiles politely and says "Girl." 
I can't believe it when I hear myself continue "When are you due?"  
She responds with "July" and another short, polite smile. 
Are you fricking kidding me?  Stop talking!  Go away, let her make your taco!  She doesn't want to talk to you.  It's only 7 am and you are the first of a billion people who are going to comment on her belly today.  Walk away, now.
To my utter despair, I am in the grips of some unstoppable force of annoyance, and I can't help but see this script to the very end.  "Is this your first?"
Taco girl nods, and just walks away to get back to work.  
Way to go.  Are you proud of yourself?  You've become the very thing you hate.

  

WHY DID I DO THIS? 

Did I say it because this is what human behavior has taught me is expected of me to say to a pregnant woman?  Has the repetition of hearing those questions for months made it compulsory?   Perhaps it is my revenge upon the world – they did it to me, so I’m going to do it to you?   Am I excited for her, this perfect stranger, that I know the joy she has coming towards her, joy she can't even imagine?   
Or is it that now she's part of some inner circle, and this is the hazing ritual she must endure?  We prep each other with these easy questions about due dates to ease you into things, but when the kid is born you'll lose all sense of privacy about your body and find yourself spilling your guts to anyone who asks.  You'll realize one day you've been talking about breast pumping for half an hour to a co-worker, or you've gleefully recounted your birth story a dozen times, and you'll wish you had a dollar for every time you said the word cervix.  Those "boy or girl" questions are nothing next to having to answer "How was your first poo after giving birth?"   

I don't know what compels us to talk about all this stuff.  It's got to be some kind of woman/mom thing that can’t be explained.  Maybe those pregnancy hormones corrupted my genes, and now I'm a member of some horrible sorority of women who ask each other inane, obvious questions and talk about our cervixes and nipples too much. 

(those are supposed to be milk spots)

So, I’m warning you all.  Beware.  I just can’t stop myself.   This is parenthood.  I got on the crazy train, and there’s not getting off.  Let’s just see where we go from here!